Forget Me Knot

I’m not sure if anybody uses this website anymore. I feel like now everybody has gone to Pinterest and such. But I remember this was the “thing” for a while. And I just rediscovered it. I read through every post I ever had. And I cried the whole way through. I wish it was easier to explain why. I think it’s just hard to see how I’ve changed since then…and I guess it just hurts to see things sometimes. It hurts to see the dreams I had then that have already been crushed…just 10 months later. Even when crushed dreams turn out for the best, it still hurts…because you remember how hopeful and happy you were…and then you see where you are now and it’s just not what you thought your life was going to be. I thought I had the perfect boyfriend. I thought I actually loved him. I thought I’d be going to any college but the one I’m attending. I thought I would have the pre-college summer of my life. I thought I’d travel. I thought my photography would have actually progressed instead of being stuffed in the closet. Now I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’m not unhappy with my life. But Shakespeare said, “expectation is the root of all heartache.” And my previous expectations have been shattered. I wish I could find the paper I wrote for my english class once. It was by far one of the best things I’ve written. But I guess it’s on my old computer. But the entire first paragraph was my expectations for my life…and at that moment, I was finally in a place where it looked like the expectations I had always dreamed of were lined up to actually occur. In a more eloquent way, it went something along the lines of “married to a politically opinionated boy in skinny jeans, sweaters, and glasses, who is working his way through grad school in New York City, he’d be in a band but nothing too serious, just a local band with his friends, we’d own a small apartment there with shelves lined with all the books we’ve read and the many we’d intend to read, I’d be supporting myself through my photography, writing poetry and working as a journalist on the side” and it just went on. And I remember my entire english class laughing along with me as I read it…because they all knew that’s what I wanted—what I really wanted. What I had written was much better than my short rendition of it. I need to dig that up. But I’ve slowly started realize a lot of flaws in this plan. Most importantly, I think I’ve realized that you can’t create a check-list for people. Just because someone fit into one of my previous molds, which was typically a list consisting of things like “dresses well,” “loves art,” “enjoys reading/writing,” “listens to ‘indie’ music,” etc, doesn’t mean they’re necessarily a nice person or that they’re someone I’m meant to get along forever with. I think I got too caught up on that check-list last year. It kept me involved with people I shouldn’t have been involved with simply because I didn’t want to lose that check-list in a person. And it still to this day, on rare occasions, haunts me, because knowing I’m not fulfilling that list terrifies me. But I’m overcoming it. I’ve been able to meet so many new people and grow to be very fond and close to some that defy my check-list. And I think that’s wonderful. Because, in reality, my check-list was not a list of things that truly mattered. Actually, some of them do matter. I have standards for the people I interact with. But basic standards aside, that list is insignificant. I don’t know if anyone will ever read this. And I don’t know if I’ll ever post here again. But I feel as though I should leave this with a poem…because, 10 months later, poems are what I do. I don’t think I will though. I’m not brave enough to put a poem where anybody could see. I used to be able to do things like that. What people thought didn’t matter. I guess I was confident because I thought my life was set on that “ideal” track I had for myself, so I felt sure of myself. Then August came along with a lot of big changes in my life and that track was ripped from beneath me. And now, to rebuild that confidence, I need to just trust that God has the right path planned out for me…and I just need to follow that plan, for that is the right plan. But for now, my poetry will stay hidden in a computer document for nobody to see…because there are very few people I would ever consider showing my poetry to…and none of them ever ask to see it.